Cokesbury Kids Blog

Dear Diary,

On Monday, I really enjoyed quality time with my kids. That night, I shared on a video call with my small group that I was coping really well and was there for them if they needed anything. 

On Tuesday, I started home-schooling. It was hard. I video conferenced with colleagues and planned a worship live stream. I added “write a children’s sermon” and “lead twice-a-week prayer calls” to my list. I took some deep breaths, but the day felt sad and heavy and miserable. 

Wednesday didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep the night before, answered e-mails from 4-5:30 am, crashed on the couch, rolled off at 10 am. My kids had played video games for over an hour at that point. I spent the day looking at the sink full of dishes, then walking away. I have no idea what my kids ate for lunch. 

That is literally how my week started. For those of us who consider ourselves leaders, coping through crisis doesn’t happen organically. We are making decisions that affect other people’s lives and discipleship, and if we aren’t careful the weight of it all will sneak up on us and run us down. So if it’s okay, I’d like to share some ideas I’m reflecting on right now as I recover from my Wednesday. 

I need to get more honest

In the first few hours or days of a crisis, I can assume more responsibility than normal. I pick up extra meetings, do more parenting, get less sleep, produce more material, all while maintaining the same work expectations as usual. But once the initial wave of the crisis passes and I begin to assess the new normal, something has to give. Invariably, my responsibility level during a crisis is unsustainable. 

It seems like chickening out, and it requires overcoming the fear of being considered weak, but in fact, the first and smartest thing we as leaders can do to manage a crisis is to name the things we have to let go of. For most of us, just getting through each day with a normal work-load and personal life stretches us to our limits. If we have assumed more responsibility (more childcare, more work meetings, more anxiety) or if we are experiencing less of what we need (less sleep, less time with friends, less corporate worship, less personal time, less food), then we leaders must model the difficult discipline of identifying the things we can’t handle and formally letting go of them. 

This may mean initiating a conversation with your boss in which you set some projects aside, or change/decrease your work hours. It may mean talking to your spouse about childcare arrangements or changes to your budget. It may mean deleting addictive apps from your phone that heighten your anxiety or unsubscribing from streaming or social media platforms that you want to de-prioritize. 

I’m a bit liar to myself. Honesty doesn’t come easy, because acknowledging our limitations is humbling, at least at first. You may find, once you’ve swallowed your pride, that it is also freeing. Once we have put aside the things we can’t do anyway, we can focus on the things that are most important. 

Value ordinary life

The most effective leaders understand that the absolute best things life has to offer happen in ordinary, mundane, ritualistic moments. A crisis explodes with excitement, and the emotions it evokes span the spectrum between pleasure and pain. As the dust settles, or as you find yourself growing numb due to the overload, hear this reassurance: God is revealed in the most ordinary things. As surreal as it is to crawl into bed after a day of crisis management or to read the same Sandra Boynton book to a child for the eleventieth time, that is where we experience the fullness of life. 

If you worry that you aren’t doing enough, or if you literally can’t figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, or if you experience guilt over buying coffee from your favorite shop as a survival tactic—free yourself from that pressure. It’s the little, boring, ordinary moments where we can best experience God’s grace at work. 

Read more about the sacredness of everyday life in Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren

Self-care vs. self-comfort

There will be repeated calls over the next weeks and months for us to practice self-care, and I always appreciate those reminders. But it’s pretty crucial to distinguish between choices that truly constitute care for our whole selves and choices that result simply in temporary soothing, comfort, and numbing out. 

Real self-care means nurturing our spirits, bodies, minds, and emotions. It means setting boundaries, eating regular meals, exercising our bodies, connecting with our good God, receiving and giving love in relationships, and so forth. Self-care happens when we live the lives God designed us for. We’re made for sustenance, relationships, joy, and mission, and we need to give attention to these purposes regularly. Neglecting self-care results in exhaustion, burn-out, frustration, and discontent. No one can thrive without self-care. For me, practicing self-care means going to bed by 10 pm, and sleeping in my own bed rather than the couch; deleting the Facebook and Instagram shortcuts on my phone and computer; eating something whenever I feel hungry (which is about every two hours); hugging my family members; and doing some creative work every day or two. 

Self-comfort consists of all the distractions and cheap alternatives to actually caring for ourselves. Self-comfort meets imagined needs. It is one of the many ways we lie to ourselves to avoid acknowledging our limits and weaknesses. Scrolling ad nauseam through a social media feed and binge-watching TV almost never result in true self-care. It’s not that there is never a time for these mindless activities—sometimes you may receive true enjoyment from them. But they do not constitute self-care, and they do not meet our built-in craving for meaning and health. 

Once we understand that there’s a difference between self-care and numbing out, we can start to categorize our activities accordingly. And when we start to recognize that we’re becoming drained, or burnt out, or disillusioned, we can choose an activity that replenishes our souls rather than prolongs our agony. 

Read more about self-care vs. self-comfort in Miracles and Other Reasonable Things by Sarah Bessey.

Words of wisdom

In addition to working in my church, I teach a college class titled “Family Ministry Seminar”. As often as possible, I invite friends and colleagues with expertise on particular topics to come speak to my students, so a few weeks ago my beloved friend Carol Cooper came to speak on the topic of Youth Ministry. What began as a Q&A about best practices with middle and high school students morphed into a discussion of how to maintain spiritual and emotional balance in ministry. There I was, the professor, scribbling notes right along with my students as Carol spoke. I want to share some of her wisdom with you, from her 20+ years of service as a youth pastor and now associate pastor in the United Methodist Church. 

Listen, here’s a rule about ministry—if you do it, they will let you. This means that no one else will set your boundaries for you. If you decide to work through the night on a project or take lunch in front of your computer every day, no one else will stop you. Take time off! If you just led a retreat or had an intense week, throw up an out of office message and take a day away. 

When you plan a vacation, take 2 weeks instead of just 1. Practice sabbath regularly. 

Attend corporate worship services every Sunday. If it is not possible to worship every week with your community because of your job responsibilities, then find a second community that worships at another time, and attend their services. Sitting in the first five minutes of the service before running off to lead children’s ministry or check in with your volunteers does not count. 

Find a group of people who love you and will listen to you, and meet with them regularly. Get a small group. Experience discipleship and accountability from other followers of Christ. Find someone to whom you can vent about your work—and make sure that this person is not affected by the same thing! A close colleague or a spouse cannot provide this safe place for you, because the things that bother you are a part of their life experience as well. Find a friend, a relative, or a therapist who can listen objectively to the difficulties you’re experiencing, love you through them, but not be affected by them. 

Change your phone settings. Turn on Do Not Disturb when you’re on sabbath or with your family and close friends. 

Deep breaths

We can’t pour out of empty cups, friends. Deep breath in—deep breath out. Emmanuel God is with us! May we go in peace to love and serve others, but may we also return to the everlasting arms of God’s grace and strength every night and every morning. 

Sarah Flannery is the author of the Children and Family Ministry Handbook. She has led ministries for children and families for the past 15 years, both as a church staff person and a volunteer. After graduating from Asbury University with an English degree, Sarah earned her master's degree in Family Sciences from the University of Kentucky. She currently serves as Assistant Pastor at First United Methodist Church in Lexington, KY, where she leads in children's ministry, supervises other ministry teams, and provides pastoral care to church members. She and her husband, John, parent two boys, Thomas and Jack, and live with an alpha cat named Annabelle and a goldendoodle with zero chill named Ripley. Sarah hopes anyone reading her books will find that in her stories of hit-or-miss ministry experiences, they also can discover new ways to live out their callings to serve and disciple families.